Learning Everything

So I have a bit of an obsession with learning-which is partly responsible for my doula path. Should the "unknown" cross my awareness I latch onto it and absorb as much information as possible-the Internet is like heroin to me in this particular addiction. I could be a tour guide on the great information superhighway. So anyway, as I get older (yes, I admit it is happening), I realize how much information there is contained inside every human brain-I see a stranger across the street and begin to ponder what experiences brought that person to this place, what effects those experiences have had on his or her character-what makes them happy? Or indignant? Or afraid?

Within the universe of childbirth a mother is placed on a pedestal-we revere her, we listen and question, we frame our projections of our own future experiences from hers. But we forget as we revere that mothers are not the only participants in birth. Theirs, while the most involved, the most profound, are not the only memories. In my unavoidable, compulsive way, I have begun to question others-to absorb their experiences and reflections of how birth has affected them, and I have begun to change the shape of my perspective. I myself am one of these sideline participants. The birth of a child reaches out to us all, touches us, changes us. A stranger's child was born too soon into fear and chaos. A father feels more helpless than ever in his life as his wife struggles with the power of her labor-he cries for the first time in years. A grandfather lies awake all night, hundreds of miles away, waiting with anxiety as his daughter labors-longer and more difficult than expected-and no one remembers to call him in the in the wee hours to tell him his granddaughter was born safely. Birth is powerful-it can heal and hurt.

What is there to learn from those bystanders to birth? The ones who are hurt by it, healed by it, forever and deeply changed by it, but must go home to their same lives--no babe-in-arms validating the reality of their emotions, no scars or tears or aching breasts as badges of honor to commemorate their contribution. So I am listening to them. It is incredible what you can learn from listening to the background of a person's story-perhaps a father has never been to a hospital-a seemingly minor detail, no apparent relevance to the birth he will witness, but so influential-why has he never been? Has he avoided them on purpose? Is there an aversion that may taint the birth of his child, as he tries to block out the smells, the sounds, the ideas that penetrate his experience? Perhaps he grew up in a place where babies were not born in hospitals, perhaps he is no stranger to birth but is made uncomfortable by this sterile, processed environment.

What about the grandmother who birthed 5 babies in hospitals? How will the birth of her grandchild, in warm water and soothing sounds, outside the control of OBs and RNs, alter her perceptions of her own births-does she regret? Or is she just happy to see birth a new way?

What of the many who can't see birth? Are present, but do not see. Those who see only pain, agony, and blood? Those who would rather not know, remain out of touch, perhaps even sleep through their own birth experiences? What is to be learned from them? Early intervention, I would think. They tend to be a tough crowd.

Listen hard to the stories. Listen to the background. Is there pain behind words of joy? Is there no joy at all? Is there unrealized trauma that may come screaming into the foreground at any time? Is there laughter, anger, fear, power, triumph? Why? What was the cause? The affect? Does the teller even realize it is there? Should it be realized?

It is boggling, how much information there is. It is daunting to admit that I can never know it all, but exhilarating to see that there will always be something more to learn. I will take my learning and attempt to shunt it through others in the hopes of enhancing their experiences with birth. Perhaps they won't want it. But maybe they will. If I can, through my obsessive quest to answer every question, provide someone else with answers and shed even a teensy bit of light on their path, then I will feel I have done my work.