No birth stories yet...

I am still trying to determine to what detail (if any) I want to include my clients' birth stories here. For purposes of confidentiality I haven't yet posted any, as I am waiting for approval from the moms involved. A part of my brain is leaning towards NOT posting them, but instead writing responses to the one or two most crucial events of each; what those events where, how I responded, how it could have been handled better or worse, etc. So should anyone be disappointed that there are no graphically described birth room scenes, I apologize. Perhaps you would like to weigh in on what would be most interesting to read about, keeping in mind this blog is intended to be about becoming a doula, and not a mother.

There are elements of every birth that shape my perspective. Events that were planned and prepared for, more often ones that were not, and I have to learn how to process them. I have to reason out ways to not let someone else's birth experience creep into my brain and try to become mine. This is such an emotionally involved line of work that it seems impossible to me that I will ever be able to walk away from a client and every think of her again as "just a client." You bond with a woman as you help her birth, you fall in love with her and her family, but logistically speaking a doula just can't maintain that level of devotion to every woman she has ever worked with, all the time. So how do I honor each birth, keep a place for each birth, but not become overwhelmed with other people's experiences? Especially when something happens that I really wish hadn't, and it affects me negatively (those of course being the experiences that have the greatest sticking power)? Fortunately I live in an area rich with wonderful doulas, and within that community there is much opportunity for debriefing and processing births. But even with that, I find that parts of my client's births will pop back after a time, unexpectedly-sometimes creeping into the spaces I'm trying to keep reserved for new clients, women whose births are still imminent and should be able to remain clean and fresh, a blank slate if you will. While my past experiences have shaped and improved my skills in this work, that is all I want to take to a birth-my skills and my knowledge. No prejudice or expectations based on past experiences. And that's hard. It's really hard. But I think it's getting easier.

Apparently Money Makes You Smarter

Can I just rant for a minute? I am currently working with a lovely young Somali mother, expecting her first baby, that came as a referal through Open Arms--a wonderful local program that provides assistance (including free doula care) to low-income women. I am ranting about neither her or the program. Yesterday I had a meeting with her, and the first thing she wanted my help with was some paperwork she had from her insurance company for a free carseat. What a nice thing, I though to myself, she won't have to rely on hand-me-downs with questionable safety left in them. Then I began to read the paperwork, and oh-jimminy did it get my dander come up.
It seems that, it the eyes of the folks who give aide to the less fortunate, having little money means you must be stupid. If you aren't stupid, then of course you'd be able to get a great job and earn lots of money, right? She had to take a test on car seat safety. This test was ridiculous. It wasn't that car seat safety isn't important, I'm a self-proclaimed car seat Nazi, it was the way everything was worded, and the way the paperwork explained itself-it all sounded so demeaning, like a kindergarten teacher explaining to her class how to cross the street. What made it worse was that it was NOT easy to understand-I couldn't help with a couple of the questions, as they made no sense to me (the car seat Nazi) and the "study booklet" held none of the information the quiz asked about. Since my client is an immigrant, her English isn't fantastic-she speaks conversationally well and reads fine but couldn't make heads or tales of this packet. I couldn't blame her. So here we have a perfectly intelligent person being treated as though she isn't (because of a language barrier) and being further convinced she isn't by her inability to complete the test that says she is because its so stupid. Got that?
And none of what she had, in my opinion, would help a person use a car seat safely. She needs to be shown how, in person. I realize making copies of a pamphlet is much cheaper than holding classes, but when we're talking about the safety of babies (and well-educated, affluent people are just as likely to hook their car seats up wrong, I've fixed more than a few, so they sould be going to these classes as well) shouldn't it be worth a little face-time with the "car seat safety technicians" the booklet talks about, but doesn't explain how to contact?
At least for this one woman, she has me (ah-aaaah-aaaaahhhhhhhh-that's the heavenly choir singing my praises), and I will make sure she knows how to use a car seat. But that doesn't help the countless other women being put through this ordeal. Having a baby can make you feel so helpless all by itself, no one needs the added "hey, we think you shouldn't even be having this child because you don't have enough money, so that must make you dumb" approach to "helping" women in need.
This is one of the many things I really love about being a doula-doulas just do it. It doesn't matter a woman's circumstances, what has or doesn't, what she knows or doesn't, all that matters is that she is in need of the support of another women, and doulas give that with no reservations. A birth is a birth, and deserves to be respected and cherished. Period.

Missed One!

I am finding that I am no good at prompt postings, so bear with me as I randomly spew events and information that might be months old.

I missed my last birth. By last, I mean the third I need for my certification to be complete. In order to be fair to me, I will say that prior to signing our contract, the client new that I would be unavialable on three days near her due date. I and another doula were partnering for her, and the other doula would be on-call for those days, while I would be taking the lead during the rest of her "window". Keep in mind that a woman's birth window stretches over five weeks-3 before and 2 after her estimated due date, so the chances of a baby being born on any one particular day are not exceptionally high. I was completely confident it would not be a problem, as this particular client was 15 years old and likely to deliver early, while we were set to be out of town on her "due weekend". Unfortunately we had to change the dates of our trip, and would find ourselves leaving town the night she went into labor (had I known she was about to go, I would have stayed, I even spoke to her that afternoon). My partner doula was in attendance, as where her mother, sister, and partner. Her birth went very smoothly and aside from a hep-lock she was able to labor and birth intervention-free, as she'd wanted.
I am thrilled she had a great birth, and certain that she had good support-in fact, from what the other doula related, my presence may have caused a too-many-cooks sort of situation. But that does not relieve my dissappointment. Much investment goes into my clients-time, materials, education, and emotion are all involved. It's like working to bake a fantastic cake and then handing it over to others to eat, never taking a bite yourself.
The fact that this client was so young was a factor in my sadness as well-I felt very protective of her, very concerned with seeing her treated as a birthing woman, not a child doing something she ought not be doing. That's fine line, and very subject to personal opinion-while I do not advocate teenage pregnancy, once the deed is done these young mothers are still mothers-and need to be treated as such. This client was sweet, polite, and had worked to educate herself about birth as no one else was helping her. She had a fantastic attitude, a bit of anxiety but no fear, and just wanted to meet her baby-on many ways she faced birth with more maturity and grace than many older mothers. It could be argued that her lack of fear was due to lack of persective and experience because of her age, which may be true, but it worked to her benefit.
I did continue serving her, doing my first home visit at 2 days post-partum. After I left I really felt as if I had done my important work for her at that meeting-she was having difficuly breast-feeding, which she really wanted to do, and had no real support at home. The hospital had discharged her without insuring she and the baby knew what they were doing, which in this day and age and that particular facility I believe should be considered neglect. By the end of our meeting the baby had nursed successfully for 30 minutes, with mom feeling much more comfortable and confident. So at least I was able to give her something.

*Unfortunate update--due to lack of support and pressure from family, she has stopped breastfeeding. This is an atrocity in our society that must be stamped out-please please please, if you find yourself in a position to do so support a nursing mom!! Sometimes all they need is the assurance that what they are doing is the best possible thing for their baby, especially if they are being told it isn't by others.*